I'm on a journey to somewhere with a vague idea of where that might be, but I've been going crazy trying to understand my future, make plans, envision myself a year from now. I make vision boards that don't feel quite right, try on different masks, wonder and worry if everything's going to happen the way I plan. Of course it won't.
I want to move to the Philippines with my boyfriend, live humbly, travel the East, collect experiences and stories and live outside these American walls. I know I will not only grow as a writer, but spiritually. But then there's my family who thinks I'm crazy and abandoning them and how am I not supposed to feel guilty about that? I know they don't fully understand where I'm coming from and I can't expect them to, but it brings a girl down, you know? You have your own dreams and your family's dreams and you just can't make everyone happy.
But then again, I'm not even sure what my dreams are. I know I want to be with my love and write books and not have to worry about making ends meet. That I know for sure. But everything else is just kind of blurry. It's like whatever dream I write down for myself becomes knotted in my mind. It doesn't fit right. I feel better saying I don't want to move there or stay here or be anywhere. I just want to float through the cosmos with no plan at all.
So here's where I am, on the top of this hill looking down, but seeing absolutely nothing. Even my near future is in a dense fog. If I put my hand out even a little, it disappears.
I've written countless soul letters to God asking what's going on. It was tonight that his words showed up on the page. Basically, forget the future.
Forget the planning and the dreaming and the trying to figure it all out. Forget it and focus on now. People and places are inconsequential. It's what you do with what you have where you are, right now.
The sacred middle. What's gone is gone and the future...well...who knows.
One day at a time because we only have this moment.