I've been hard on myself this week because I haven't been all that productive. At least not in my working/creative life. I was productive in home matters, like getting more settled into the new house and running errands and doing laundry. Stuff like that. But not the "important" stuff. Getting ahead in work, writing the first act of the novel, working out.
I tell myself, you had a migraine on Tuesday and didn't feel well on Wednesday. But then Thursday came and I still slept late and pottered around when I could have been working or writing or exercising.
No, instead I read a bunch of articles online, took Stewie for a walk, watched Ezra graze in the backyard (lest he destroy the garden) for about an hour, ate lunch, then played a computer game.
I hate feeling guilty, but I also hate feeling like I have to do ALL THE THINGS. I realize that I'm a procrastinator and lazy and that I'd probably feel better if I woke up early and got into some kind of productive routine. But sometimes I just feel blah and unbalanced and overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to be simple and simply be.
Perhaps there is softness in just being. Perhaps there is no purpose in life but to experience it. Maybe that's all we wanted to do when we were spirit people. To feel what it's like to put our hands in the soil and plant flowers and vegetables. To inhale the pages of a book. To listen to music, drink hot tea, watch candles burn, love and laugh and cry. To live in a body.
Not try and be somebody and do it as quickly as possible. Not try and make our lives some kind of brand that will be on Instagram today and fade into the noise tomorrow.
In my journal today I wrote, What brings you joy?
Writing, dancing, spending time with my animals, playing silly computer games, reading, meditating, Simple, quiet things.
And it's okay to live quietly. That's what I'm telling myself on days like this. And I'm also reminding myself that life isn't about getting to the goal. There's this line in a song - I can't remember which - that goes something like, "We focus so much on getting from A t0 Z that we forget there are 24 letters in between."
Ah yes! It's the process and the journey and the living. Even if the living is simple and quiet. It only has to be full of joy. It only has to mean something to you.
If I only spend my days drinking cold green tea, reading poetry, and watching Ezra graze, so what? That is more important to me than trying to make more money and be some kind of trendy #bossbabe and be a somebody doing all the things. I can't keep up with all that, nor do I want to.
The full moon is past, but I can still let go, let go, let go. Let go of all the head clutter and guilt and anxiety. Let go of the mindset that if I don't do something grand today that this day doesn't matter. That I haven't juiced it for all it's worth.
If I take care of my responsibilities and do what brings me joy, then this day does matter.
What are your 24 letters? What brings you joy? What can you let go of?