My shadow self has wreaked havoc and I am left to clean up the mess.
She is the woman in spiked stilettos and a cocktail in her hand. She is bold and outspoken and thinks she's hot shit. She can talk to anyone, work the party, dance until the wee hours of the night on a stomach full of gin. She has no regard for anyone's feelings but her own, and if her pleasure gets in the way of someone else's comfort, so be it. She's only playing and having fun and why is everyone else so serious?
She can also be really mean and say hurtful things and even hurt herself because her emotions become too much.
The consequences of Shadow Woman: alcohol as a crutch, near divorce, trust issues for the ones she loves, loss of ambition, loss of direction, loss.
All the good, healthy, happy things faded into a boozy haze because Shadow Woman told me that I wasn't good enough, interesting enough, bold enough. I needed her to have fun and make friends and be someone. I needed her cocktails and her attitude. She said, "Sleep, little one, while I make things better."
But then I woke up and it wasn't good. It wasn't better at all.
It's hard for me to admit my weaknesses and to tell you that this past year has been a mess. It's been filled with tears and pain, and not just for me, but for those closest to me. I haven't been my best self because I thought Shadow Woman had it figured out and she thought she could get away with everything.
"I'm trying to help you," she says, but all she's done is lead me further from the truth.
In a way, I have to thank her because she has shown me something. She's shown me I can be all the things I admire in her, but I don't have to hurt people in the process. And her actions have led me to "get woke" and realize her lifestyle is not in my best interest. I miss my creativity, my ambition, my goals. When Shadow Woman is around it's all about the moment, which is cool, but not when it means disrespecting others and waking up with very little memory of what happened the day before. Plus, what a waste of a day when I'm sick in bed with a hangover and hubs is mad because I can't get it together and I've done something else to cause trust issues.
So here's where I'm at. I've acknowledged the damage Shadow Woman/I have done and I'm ready to heal, make changes, better myself. I'm ready to step up my mind, body, spirit game. I'm ready for a high vibe life.
For the past year I've floated in some kind of dark, directionless haze, but I'm ready to step out of that cloud and into one that's full of light and love, not darkness and fear.
I have a lot of things I want to write about and a lot of things I want to do. My mind is everywhere now that I've woken from my deep sleep.
I pulled the reversed Knight of Swords and how true it is for this particular moment. Not exactly thrilling, but the truth, nonetheless.
From Biddy Tarot:
The reversed Knight of Swords can also suggest that you need to slow down otherwise you are at risk of serious burn-out and exhaustion. You want to be involved in everything but you are not succeeding at anything due to this scattered thought and energy. As such, you are spinning your wheels and accomplishing very little but growing more and more tired by the day. Take some time out so that you can first ground yourself, gather your thoughts and focus on only the top priorities.
But first, sorting it all out. I mean really sorting it out so I know where I've been and where I'm going.
Write to you soon!