Notes on living a magical life

In the Meantime...

8/28/2012

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Make good art.
If you're going to spend money, spend it on experiences.
Create a vision board. Here's mine.

Help others succeed (giving is never wasted).
Be still and listen.
Take care of your body.

My delicious protein shake.

Experiment with paint/words/movement.
Learn from others.
Read every post your favorite blogger has ever written.
Take it day by day, bird by bird. Small movements lead to great clarity.
Stay up late and sleep in.
Don't worry about tomorrow.

Journal your heart out.
Do work for free (it opens doors).
Sell stuff, give away stuff, clean out the clutter.
Invite miracles into your life.

"Your great idea, creative dream and vision is being WOVEN into your life. It is not separate from you. Allow the wonders to be woven in, along with all the challenging, crunchy, less than wonderful moments. This puts you into the “marvelous messy middle” of your life, where all the juicy stuff lives. It’s in this middle place that all the miracles occur- it’s where they hang out and live. Hang out there with them, and play around. See what develops, and let me know."
~SARK

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Anxiety Diaries

8/24/2012

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In the late 90s and early 2000s I had a zine called Ex-Grrl. In my last issue I included diary entries about my anxiety; the diary entries were written before I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I didn't write a lot about it because I was too afraid. I was afraid that something bad would happen if I wrote or spoke about it. I had no idea other people struggled with anxiety the way I did. That's why I'd like to talk about it now and share my thoughts in case there are others struggling with it right now.

Those who have not been through an anxiety disorder may not be able to relate to the pain it brings. From their side it just seems like silly worries, impractical, and they can't understand why someone would be worried about such things.

And I can understand that. From the outside those worries do seem silly, but in an anxious mind they are complex monsters who dig deep into the mind and root themselves.

From September 2000

I don't like to ask questions like, "If I died today, what would you do?" I don't like when other people ask those questions either. Sometimes I feel like I have hunches for things that aren't necessarily true, but feel so true. I never used to be this way.

And from January 2002

Sometimes my anxiety makes me sick. My stomach will hurt or my heart will speed up. Sometimes my heart will even give out these sharp pains. I'm not sure if that's from the worry or not. But that's just another thing to worry about. I worry if my heart is failing me, which in turn makes it hurt, which makes me worry even more.

Sometimes I get dizzy and sometimes I just want to break down and cry because I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes things feel so real to me that I actually do break down and cry because I think they've already happened. I try telling myself that all of this is not worth worrying about and that God is in control of everything, but it doesn't help. Nothing helps and it's so hard to wake up in the morning and worry about whether I'm going to make it through the day or not.

I'm scared to say anything with the word 'death' or 'die' in it. I'm scared to say anything about tomorrow. I'm even scared to think about these things. It's like I feel all of this blackness around me and I just know it's about to pounce on me or someone I love. I'm just about ready to break down. It's bad during the day, but it's horrible at night. What am I supposed to do?

Not long before the anxiety, I was dealing with depression, so I already had a trusted therapist to work with. I learned more about the crippling worry and how to handle it. Things that helped me the most:

Relaxation techniques
Breathing exercises
Stretching
Ballet (or anything that required a massive amount of concentration)

Although I healed from the bulk of generalized anxiety, it took me a long time to let go of the fear that something bad was about to happen. In fact, it's only been within the past two years that I've learned that it's okay to believe in good things, that nothing is out to get me or my loved ones. I also like to remember that God works for the good of those who love him.

We're blessed to have so many resources and communities that can help with anxiety. A fellow goddess sister of mine, Gina Rafkind, has a beautiful website with tons of anxiety resources and tools to help you heal. If you're in the thick of worry, I urge you to seek out Gina's wisdom, and of course you're always welcome here in the sacred middle.

Just know that you're not crazy. This era has brought on anxieties that our ancestors did not know. We're living in a society that is always pushing for more and at a faster pace.

Slow down, breathe deep, dig up the worry and plant peace.

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Affirmation for Earth Wisdom

8/22/2012

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I embrace the wisdom of this earth.
I accept my life's own seasonality in all things.
I embrace my times of apparent dormancy as well as my showier seasons of growth.
I trust the quiet times of apparent absence as the necessary gestation time for a fruitful future.

~Julia Cameron, Heart Steps

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Weekly Intention

8/20/2012

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Picking lavender in 2010

I've owned Jennifer Louden's book, The Life Organizer, for years and have never stuck with it. I pulled it out again yesterday and decided to give it another try.

For each week there is a place to write your intention at the top of the page. My intention for the week is to connect to nature and with my primal ancestors. They didn't have the convenience of grocery stores and they certainly wouldn't have bought boxed food. They couldn't jump in their cars and drive everywhere. They didn't think about money and whether or not they'd have enough to buy another dress. Sure, they had their own problems - surviving being the main one - but we have that + a bunch of other crap that modern-day life brings.

So it's my intention to eat foods from nature, walk more, and honor what nature has given me. Humans, animals, plants, stars, we're all interconnected. We're all here for each other. I want to pay more attention to what's around me, have less screen time and more hands-on time, and be full of gratitude.

What's your intention for the week?

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Special Announcement

8/16/2012

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It's here, it's here! The ebook I started working on four months ago is finally finished!

Throughout the whole writing process the words just flowed, so I know this book was meant to be. There are people out there who need this information. I needed it! I wrote it to help me figure out how to get through the transitional periods in life. I wrote it because I needed to be my own cheerleader, my own guide through what felt like a massive desert that I was never getting out of.

Here's an excerpt:

In the meantime, in between, between a rock and a hard place - all phrases that describe what I call desert walking - the transition period that can be quite rough on our mind, body, and soul. I’ve found that no one really savors their time in the desert, maybe because there’s a lack of inspiration. In my own journey I’ve found myself looking for guidance in this space, but it’s always about that far off land of milk and honey. What about now? How do we get through now? I want to transform how you see the desert and your journey through it. It’s a place of blessings and can’t be missed. If you find yourself off the path and wondering where you are, you’ve come to the right place.

You can get your very own copy for freeeee just by popping your email into the box on the sidebar. And if you read it and love it and know someone else who might benefit from reading it, pass it along.

We're all in this together :)

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Learning How to Trust

8/10/2012

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Nestled Within from NASA website

Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done. ~ C.S. Lewis

Everyday we trust the cosmos to behave in such a way that won't cause our demise. We trust the sun to shine, but not hit us with solar flares. We trust the comets to steer clear and black holes to get their fill on something else. We trust these gigantic universal processes, but find it hard to trust the unfolding of our own lives.

I've been self-employed for five days, FIVE DAYS, and the doubt demons have already circled around me and began chanting things like, "What have you done? Are you crazy? This is not going to work! You have failed miserably." They circle round and round and poke my ribs and laugh hysterically.

Just before I start to believe their nasty comments I am reminded that trust is an everyday thing. Like C.S. Lewis said, it has to begin all over again, every day.

The other night the doubt demons were having a raucous party and it left me weak and disappointed, so I asked God to shine a little light on the truth. I flipped open the Bible to John 8:23:

Jesus said, "You're tied down to the mundane; I'm in touch with what is beyond your horizons. You live in terms of what you see and touch. I'm living on other terms."

Now when I start losing my trust and getting that sinking feeling, I remind myself that I'm living on earthly terms, by what I can see, which isn't much. I remind myself to trust in that which I cannot see and know that God works on my behalf.

The earth is a tiny Christmas ornament hanging on the universal tree and yet, here we are, unbroken and living among chaos. Every day we must go to that place of trust, to that place of peace, even if we don't feel it. It's all working on our behalf.

I received a beautiful affirmation in Iyanla's Daily StimuMail today; I printed it out and hung it on my cork board to remind to trust:

There is One Life expressing the perfection of God.

God's perfection is present within me and everyone on this planet right now.

I know in my life there is something greater at hand and I call it God.

I trust God first because my mind cannot understand God's perfection when I see what is going on in the world.

I release my need to understand everything and I trust God!

When I cannot see the big picture and I am stuck, I put my faith in God.

I trust God instead of looking for easy solutions and answers because God knows what God is doing

I am in awe of your perfection in all life.
As I surrender and put my trust in God, my life unfolds according to God's perfect plan.

Thank you God for faith, love and clarity

I am so grateful that I am learning how to wait on the Lord.

God, You are so amazing, awesome and worthy to be praised.

God, I trust You with my heart and soul.

And So It Is.

Rev. Ayomide Bengo

How are you learning to trust?

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In the Meantime...

Anxiety Diaries

Affirmation for Earth Wisdom

Weekly Intention

Special Announcement

Learning How to Trust